I Would Rather Eat Glass

So, I will say this right now--my intention of this blog will get people to understand that yes, there are many of us who feel that same way are just too scared, nervous, or whatever it might be, to upset anyone or disappoint them when we truly mean what we say and say what we mean. 

In the last two weeks, this girl, meaning me, made a mistake or at least that is what I am supposed to think I did. I am still processing all the words that were said to me, but I think that I am on the other side of it. Long story short, I disappointed someone, and she was not very happy with me. Even though the intention was not to hurt anyone or even have it turn out the way it did, that didn't matter. After getting and reading the messages I received, I was able to tell that the emotions being experienced on the other end of this went from zero to sixty in about 2 seconds, and there was nothing that I could say that was going to make things right. Plus, after having a relationship with this person for quite some time now, I learned very quickly how she typically reacts to the smallest of things in life. 

Through this lesson I have had to remind myself more than once that there is nothing I can do make God love me more, and there is nothing I can do to make God love me less. Those words are always comforting to me. 

Even before these events took place, I would regularly recite a prayer to the Source: “Please bring those people to me who have their best interest at heart, and also reveal those who do not.”  Manifesting plays such a large role in my life. Honestly, it plays such a big role in all of our lives, but typically we pass though life not recognizing all that is there and then we miss the message. In the case of what I was facing, I got exactly what I asked for. I feel I thought that when I was saying that prayer of “bring the people into my life who have their best interest at heart and also mine” was going to present itself so clearly --like making someone was going to give me the finger driving by my house or maybe throw a rotten tomato at me!! LOL. Nope! This example was started by me, igniting feelings within someone else by my actions. Then it hit me! “That’s it!!” I said to myself. All of the effort I keep putting into this relationship is not in alignment with my vibration. And, the harder I keep trying, the more the Source kept trying to show me, tell me, and shake me to see the light!! Now, having had time to process all of this, I want to say thank you for showing me what I have been asking for. Instead of being pissed off at this person for accusing me of things that are not my intention and also making some pretty harsh assumptions about what I think (isn’t it crazy when people think they know what you are thinking?), I want to take the time to say THANK YOU again. Thank you for showing me who has my best interest at heart and thank you for showing me such a valuable lesson. 

How does that tie into the title of this blog? I was listening to a super soul conversation between Oprah and Ali McGraw this last week. While I was listening to their conversation, the more and more I was thinking to myself ‘this lady is describing me’!! Anyone who really knows me knows that I can be somewhat of the spit fire. I sometimes say things that some people would choose to take personally. Notice how I say “they choose to take personally”. It is their choice. Much of what I do from day to day usually is not the same as everyone else. I feel I am looked at as a pretty social person, but really deep down I love and appreciate the silence more than the chatter. As I have gotten older, I notice that when people have conversations with me, I have difficulty staying focused on what they are saying, especially when it is a conversation that has no purpose of strengthening my or their spirit or spiritual dreams. The part of this super soul conversation that really was the AH HA for me was when Ali mentioned that she “would come up with staggering energy when I felt the need to be social, but I am not. I have good manners. I have good work ethic and I am a pro. I do what I am supposed to do. But then I say the magic phrase of ‘I think I forgot to feed the dog’ which is just a way to get the HELL out of there!” I LOVE THAT! She took the words right out of my mouth. 

You know when you are in a setting of or are being asked to participate in something that you are just not feeling? You know what I am talking about. All of a sudden you feel like you may have to join in because you don’t want to disappoint. Well, I am going to say, “I would rather eat glass” because there are times that is what I want to say. I do know that I am kind. I am honest. I am a hard worker. I know what it is to be a mother, wife and good friend. More and more, I am truly embracing the authenticity that flowers inside me to the point that I can’t fake it anymore. But I want to, un-apologetically, say part of my gifts is my personality of being honest! Boy, oh boy, do people choose to take that soooo personally. Including myself! 

I most certainly learned a lot in these last two weeks about myself, other people, and this path that leads us down the road of life! I am so in love with it and am so excited to make the next mistake in order to learn yet another valuable lesson that I will hopefully have another AH HA moment verses victimizing myself and other people. 

In closing, I challenge all of you to choose to chew on glass versus saying YES all the time. Say NO and do it without giving a reason why! Damn, it feels so good! I am going to go do it again! If any of you listen to or don’t listen to podcasts, gift yourself to listening to “Super Soul Conversations” the episode of Ali McGraw: Aging, Love and Sobriety. It is a keeper and a game changer for me! Thank you for reading and #behappy. 

Yours truly,

Nikki @zendentherapy

I would rather eat glass…

Ali McGraw