No matter where you go, there you are...
I have shared that quote with so many people along the way. What does that quote mean to you? Really think about it, and after reading or not reading the rest of this, share your thought. Or, share with me personally. I would love to relate.
Years ago, I believe I was sixteen maybe seventeen, my parents had decided to call it quits with their marriage. Of course at the time, like any typical emotionally undeveloped teenager, I thought the world was coming to a end. Even though I knew it was an abusive situation for them and us kids, I didn't want it to end. I guess chaos is all I really knew when it came to husband, wife, and family life. As I sit and think about all those years of craziness, I feel like I could write a book about that alone. WOW. I guess I will just share from my memories and perspective on things.
Before I get into what this story is all about, I would like to mention how therapeutic it is to be so expressive with events that have molded me into who I am today! I am truly blessed and in love with the opportunity to share all that I have so far and am totally buzzed about all the more to come!! Even in my writing, I have squirrel moments...okay let's get back on track! LOL
So my parents (that is where I was), they had many moments that drew them to one another and expressed love towards one another, but I just don't remember seeing or hearing many of them. They were married very young because when you get pregnant unexpectedly, the thing to do is to get married, RIGHT? Well, that is what they felt and possibly were told was the right thing to do. As years had passed and all the crazy shit went down, like I mentioned, they decided to part ways. I guess I would say it was more my mom's decision than my dad's. My mother eventually moved to another town, and I ended up staying in my home town living with my dad. I remember feeling very trapped the day I walked in to my home seeing my dad so upset the day my mom left him. I felt this responsibility or obligation to be with him because 'now what, he doesn't have anything or anyone else'. From that day forward, I remember doing a whole bunch of running. What I mean by that is I wasn't hitting the pavement with running shoes. I mean constantly being on the go. Having to go here and go there. I did anything in my power not to be home, especially because when my mom first left, my dad decided to quit drinking alcohol. But it didn't take long, and he was back at it. So, I wanted to be gone! When all of this "running" was happening, I got myself wrapped up in lots of stupid things. Teenager on the loose. I feel salted when I say, "Boy, oh boy, those were the years." Jeepers, I can't believe I am expressing that quote! But seriously, I never stayed in one place for too long, even being shifted to many different homes the last couple years of high school. I ended up having to move into my aunt and uncle's home for a period of time. My father wasn't able to support me. Then my dad and I had to move out of our home, and he decided it would be a good idea to move in with his girlfriend at the time. I remember doing a lot of running then. As my thoughts are being typed out and I am expressing how much running took place, I am recognizing that some of the running may have been somewhat forced. Maybe I didn't want to do it, but I didn't have a choice.
As I continued to grow up, graduate high school, start to identify with people, jobs, friends and so on, looking back one thing that was constant is that I was always looking for something. I was looking for whoever or what ever was going to fill in the empty holes. Instead looking inside myself, I was looking outside myself--some sort of fix, some sort of escape. I feel that I maybe would be looking for something to numb the coping mechanism. I feel, in my experiences, that so many of us do this. In my case I would definitely say I would use alcohol as that coping mechanism. ME?!! Not me! No way! But yes, looking back on the years of 'hitting it heavy', alcohol was an easy medicine. Now years later, I feel comfortable admitting that; but, at the time, you just go along with it. Two minors, one DWI, and countless "I am okay to drive" nights later, I guess I finally needed to throw in the towel with that old friend!
Most of all where I am going with "no matter where you go there you are" is that there have been many times, that I am in a room filled full of people and all I keep thinking to myself is 'what am I doing here?' Even though the room is full, I am feeling all alone. In the past, I wouldn't maybe notice as much because I was suppressing those thoughts and feelings in a social setting with some cocktails. When I started to listen to what interested me, I started to hear to what my heart desired. As we start to silence our thoughts, our heart tends to lead the way. So, no matter how far or where I tried to run, once I got there, I realized I was there the whole time. The whole time I was 'running,' I really just needed to stand still and look inside myself, not outside. Digging in deep and listening to what my heart was saying once I listened closely.
This for me is where meditation and being mindful has played a huge roll in my day to day experiences. I will go into greater detail at another time, but try doing that for yourself. Silence yourself, your phone, and anything else that might create a ripple in your mindfulness, meditation, and prayer time. Sit quietly and just listen. Listen to your breath. Listen to the clock click to the next second. Listen to the wind rustle through the trees. Listen to the birds sing. Listen to the cars pass outside or the children play. Ultimately, listen to your heart and what is says. You may just love where it takes you because remember, "no matter where you go there you are." C. Nathe
Blessings and #behappy
Nikki Moritz
Zen Den Therapy
“The purpose of my life is to help others through it”